Listen to me

Watch me

Last week we were looking at ways to find those strong places within us to help us deal with life more securely. Finding caring and positive ways to help ourselves and others in times of challenges is a great way to support our inner self and in turn, it will allow us to develop more confidence and inner security. For many people, I speak to about self-care, the biggest factor of not doing this is time and the feeling that we don’t deserve to have our needs met. All our relationships in life are like a tug of war and finding that right balance is like finding the line that’s drawn in the sand and then finding ways for us to hold the flag over it. Over giving can be as bad as under giving and it’s important to work to find that balance in our relationships and our life overall.  If we are one of those over givers in life, then this can be very draining as over time we give too much out and don’t receive enough back.  If we see that tug of war analogy if you’re over giving then you’re being dragged over the line by the pull of the other person’s needs which is not only putting you out of balance, it will be impacting the other person too. That person will start to think of relationships and connections in this way and that will have a negative impact on their lives. This can make these people expect too much from other people and in turn not take on board as much responsibility as they should. This overtime can cause them to make life harder for themselves as if you imagine the tug of war again, they are having to use lots of energy to pull you over the line. Other people may not respond in this way so that person will struggle to find that level of balance with people and situations. So, it’s not a good thing for you to continue to over give not for them or you.

If you are the over giver you will be wearing yourself out eventually, you will not have the strength to carry this on or you will start to react to things because your stress levels will be too high. Maybe you become over-emotional and start feeling overwhelmed by things, or find that you just want to retreat from the situation as you feel unable to cope anymore.  You can be experiencing one or even multiple things and if this is the case for you, it’s time to take stock and look at whether this over giving is working? For many of us the answer will be no, it’s time to evaluate and find the line in the sand again and pull that flag back to a level place.  If we can say no, learn to accept our limitations and the limitations of time we can then step back from over-giving and deal with things more steadily and consistently.  It’s time to accept that staying this way won’t last and then if we crash and burn, we can’t help at all, isn’t it better to be steady and constant rather than all or nothing? This is not only better for others but it way better for ourselves too.

What we then need to do is to use that extra time that we have chosen to not over give to others and start to give this back to ourselves. Care is not just about others it’s about us too and we have to put ourselves firmly in the picture. We can take time to read a book, have a soak in the bath, do a mediation, a yoga routine or just indulge ourselves in something we enjoy. All of these things will be well received by those inner sides of ourselves and it won’t take long until you have evened things back up again. Care and self-care has to start from us and now is a great time to even things up. Going back to the tug of war, if you are both holding the flag over the line and have this lovely balance between give and take its quite effortless as all you have to do is trust, lean back and relax. It’s so much easier for both of you to have an even balance between give and take, but remember if you have been an over giver then no one will know that you have chosen to change.  Initially, there may well be a bit of push and pull between you until the true balance is found, that’s ok, once you have found this, both of you will be clear about things and will for the main part stop trying to change this balance you have both developed. This for many cases, won’t be an overnight thing so it’s important that we take the time throughout the day to check where you’re at with things and where the line and flag are. But over time it will become the new default habit for you both, but it’s important to find those ways to say no and accept the limitations to things.

The biggest limitation is time we only have so much of it and we can’t knit anymore, we have to see things that pull to over give like the fourth bridge.  We could work and work and even work a bit more to finish things but when we get to the end we will only have to start again. Accept these limitations, be strong to stay no to things and yes to your self-care, this will enable you to work more easily and constantly while also taking care of yourself in that relationship. There could be several relationships that are out of balance chose one first to work on and then when that’s better move to the next one. Accept even in the care and rebalance of self-care and support it won’t happen instantly with every relationship.  Once one feels better you can move to the next, make a list of things that will support you and keep adding to this so that you have plenty of options to choose from when it’s time for you.

Thanks for dropping by Sara x

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