Control is a confusing issue and for many of us we have got it in the wrong place in our head, if this is the case we can be causing ourselves lots of issues. Lots of people say to me that I don’t like being out of control, this can be situational like being on a plane or in a meeting, it can be future based, will I get the job or will I have enough money? Also, it can be personally based, do I have cancer or some deadly illness, can I be myself in this situation, will I feel ok, can I cope?
There are lots of issues that can be placed around this fear of being out of control and the thing is none of them are in our control. We’re not pilots so can’t be the one in control of the plane (thank god leave it to the experts) we’re not the person deciding about the job so who knows? We can’t see inside our bodies or in fact into the future. Because the future isn’t here yet, so we just don’t know what will come, what we need to do is to learn to accept this instead of throwing light fuel on this already burning fire of insecurity and blow ourselves up with worry and anxiety. We can of course choose lots of things and many more than what we think, but we can only choose them in the moment as the future isn’t written in stone and isn’t static. We could set our hearts on cheese sandwiches for lunch, then be disappointed when the shop has sold out, we could still have cheese but it would mean another shop or two to make this happen. But why do this? Where does it get you? If we over focus on something it just makes us want it more, if we hadn’t thought about it that much then we would have been quite happy with tuna! Being present is the key, if we can be in the moment, we can make a choice based on what is available then and there, this is much more sensible and we can relax more and take things as they come.
Control the things you can change and forget the things you can’t.
I know the example is a very simple one, but it can be scaled up into lots of situations. This understanding of what we can choose is how we need to base our thought over control. If we are trying to control the future, which of course we can’t, then this will only lead to anxiety and stress, neither are fun and both stop you from being in the moment. There are lots of people that fear flying many people say to me ‘well I can’t get off when the doors are closed’ and ‘I am not in control of what is happening to the plane’. Firstly, lets understand if you’re not a trained pilot why would you want to be in control of the plane!? And who wants to get out of a plane at 35,000 feet? We have been thinking of it in these terms which don’t make sense. The reality is no one is making us fly, we are choosing to book the trip, the whole fear of being not being in control is a lie and keep going over these fears in our head just make us anxious and scared. It’s not real, it’s irrational and fuelling the irrational thought processes, Which is in fact it’s the problem and each time you do this its making it worse.
Irrational fears of being out of control are the problem so let them go
If you have a fear of being out of control, first thing is first, step back and revaluate, if it’s not real or it’s something you can’t predict then let it go. Why would you want to stress yourself out over something which isn’t in your control? It’s a waste of time. What we need to do is accept we are not in control of what the future brings and it’s time to stop trying to control something we can’t. Is it just this fear of being out of control which is causing us to feel out of control? I think it is. As all these irrational worries are impacting our ability to feel safe and secure so we need to accept the limitations of life and accept the things that are changeable, if its rational keep it in that place in your mind and let it go if it’s irrational. The worries are the problem and it’s not going to hurt you to see it this way, it’s safe to do this and in fact it’s going to really help you. You need to look at every situation which holds these fears of being out of control and I think for many of you the majority of them they will not be real or even changeable.
Accepting were not in control is the true measure of being in control.
We have more choice than we have had ever in the whole of history, apart from if we had been the small percentage of kings and queens or leaders. As a woman only 100 years ago we didn’t even have the vote, children were sent up chimneys and people were kept as slaves. We have all these choices in life now, which is great but expecting to be in control of everything is the downfall. So, let’s put things in perspective, we can’t expect to be able to predict the future, know if we will be safe, if we will get that job, or be financially secure or when we will die or what we will die off. There is no magic formula, no one can give us an answer to those unanswerable questions either, not even google. If we go in search of this all we will do is send the message to our mind that we don’t feel safe, because if we were we wouldn’t need to excessively control your external environment. Safety and security is within you and you need to trust and step with life, go with the ebbs and flows of this amazing world we live in.
Go with the flow of life, trust and stay in the moment.
Be thankful for having a choice at all, there are still many parts of our world still that don’t have anywhere near the level of choice we have. Embrace and love the things we can choose to do in our lives and accept the things we don’t have control over, life is way too short to waste time on things we can’t change. Focus your energy on being present, in the moment and loving today.
Next weeks blog is all about instinct and how to follow this instead of the irrational fears of being out of control.
Thanks for dropping by Sara x
If your not signed up, you can do so here and be the first to read the blogs.